This post talks about that last concept - Tribes as a replacement for the elevated kinship we usually associate with our "real" family, whether we're talking about our blood relatives or the families we create legally through marriage.
The Nature of Family
In a perfect world, our family is a collection of people who, through thick and thin, are always in our corner. Family accepts us for who we are. Family wants us to reach our full potential. Family celebrates our success and comforts us when we fail. Family protects us and keeps us safe. Family steps back when we're ready to tackle life on our own. Family sees us at our best and worst, and loves us regardless.
An authentic and real family is that which respects us as we are. Our minds, our individual voices, our personal choices, and our way of understanding the world. It gives and asks nothing in return. Reciprocity is not a game of power, but rather a balance in which recognition, loyalty, and understanding are key. Family does not need a reason to be with us each and every moment. We carry it in our hearts because we look after them, and they us. We give each other confidence, and we are always together and support each other. Any distance between us does not matter. We stick together through the bad times, and we enjoy a mutual understanding of each other in the good times. - Citation
Unfortunately, our world is not perfect. Sometimes our given family isn't so great. Sometimes the family to which we were born doesn't, won't, or can't fulfill those physical and emotional kinship needs.
Maybe it's simply a matter of logistics. We move away from our families and we don't see them as often as we need. Or maybe death takes parts of our family from us.While these reasons are perfectly valid, I'm not going to focus on these particular dynamics in this post. Having (or having had) a loving, supportive family is certainly something that can be dearly missed, it doesn't create the slew of negativity in these next few scenarios.
Sometimes our families are... toxic. This toxicity can occur for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes the families we're born into don't accept us for who we are. When I was in college, I had several gay or lesbian friends who's family basically disowned them simply because they weren't attracted to the "right" sex.
Sometimes a family might not provide the support we need. Family should be a solid foundation we can rely on to provide moral and emotional support as we venture out into life. Family should be our safe harbor; the thing we can rely upon if the challenges of life get too rough.
Or the reasons might be more toxic. Sometimes families are wrought with anger, blame, cruelty, disrespect, or chronic hurtfulness. When our families make us feel like shitty people, life becomes far way more challenging than it should be and prevents us from reaching our potential.
Or maybe the reasons are flat-out dangerous and overtly abusive. Sometimes families hurt us emotionally, physically, or sexually. In these cases, families can actively destroy any hope of a normal, fulfilling life.
When our families create a toxic dynamic in our lives, we're often placed in the horrible, painful position of having to decide to maintain the shitty relationship or create distance. While that distance may provide much-needed relief from the chronic, insidious pain that defines dysfunctional families, it creates a slew of other problems - loneliness, a sense of emptiness, helplessness, and perhaps worst of all - hopelessness.
Making the decision to create distance with a toxic biological family is never an easy decision. It's a strong taboo in our society. We live in a society that constantly reinforces the idea that we should tolerate any and all abusive behaviors because "blood is thicker than water."
Unfortunately, that's one of the most misquoted quotes there is. The actual quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb", meaning the bonds we create by choice are stronger than the bonds we have no say in. When confronted with a toxic family environment, the family we choose is a far stronger, more impactful "family" than the family we're given simply based on genetics.
As such, I strongly believe this misguided "family obligation" society forces upon us is among the most damaging beliefs we hold. Being socially shackled to people who do not provide the unconditional love and support all humans need is stunts our growth and potential. When those people actively harm us, it's simply unconscionable.
Choosing Your Own Family
If our given family cannot or will not provide what we need to survive and thrive, we have the power to create our own families. We can voluntarily choose the people who are willing and able to fulfill those familial needs of physical and emotional intimacy.
The idea of "choosing your own family" is not new; historical records indicate the practice goes back as far as the first century. Over the centuries, this idea has went by many names - ritual kin, othermothers, alternative families, adopted families, voluntary kin... all describe a close-knit social unit we create.
The advantage of choosing your own family is obvious - we can choose members who are psychologically and emotionally healthy. We can choose people who build us up, not tear us down. We can choose people who treat us with respect and dignity, not people who use to to prop themselves up. We can choose people who bring us joy and happiness, not despair and misery. We even have good data supporting this idea.
The Tribe as a Chosen Family
A well-designed voluntary Tribe enriches the lives of the Tribe members. The Tribe provides safety, security, friendship, and most importantly - kinship. If the individual members of the Tribe are hand-picked to be trustworthy, humble, emotionally-healthy people driven by a genuine desire to help each other reach their full potential, a Tribe can serve as a perfect Chosen Family.
First, the Tribe members don't have to be there. Voluntary association, free of a misguided sense of societal, cultural, and legal obligation, matters. When people are there because they genuinely care about you, the bonds are far more meaningful.
Second, we can escape generational dysfunction. Far too many families have real, substantial problems that have been passed on through each successive generation. Problems like addiction and abuse pass from parent to child generation after generation. Breaking that chain often requires you to break free of the problematic family members and surround yourself with healthier friends.
Third, the Tribe lets us be ourselves. The Tribe is formed based on shared interests and like-mindedness. Tribes don't require us to conform to whatever outdated, misguided beliefs our biological family may have. Our Tribe shares our ideologies, which allow us to live real, authentic lives instead of creating a facade to create an appearance of normal.
Fourth, the Tribe allows us to trust without being repeatedly burned. Dysfunctional families usually involve a pattern of sucking you into a trap of demanding trust, then breaking said trust. This usually happens as a function of obligation - your biological family will exploit the social pressures to maintain those familial bonds no matter what. Given the Tribe is voluntary, a breach of trust can and often does result in expulsion from the Tribe. As such, maintaining trust matters in the Tribe.
Tribes can give us all kinds of things that matter may be absent in biological families - providing protection and security, giving us a feeling of belonging, fostering emotional closeness, and giving us social support.
Our Tribe isn't explicitly designed to be a Chosen Family for all our members, but it does serve the purpose nicely. When Shelly and I were bumming around the country a few years back and when we eventually settled in San Diego, we learned a lot of life lessons. Living those lessons led us to develop some wonderful friendships that, for the first time in our lives, made us understand the value of surrounding ourselves with like-minded people who enrich our lives. Importantly, our circle of friends provided a foundation to embark on adventures. A safe-haven, if you will. When we settled in Western Colorado, we continued that trend. The people we befriended here created the foundation of what has become the foundation of the Tribe we're building. For us, our Tribe IS our Chosen Family, though the Tribe may not serve that same role for every member. Our Tribe, after all, provides all kinds of positive benefits beyond being a surrogate family. While our Tribe is still in its infancy, its certainly enriched our lives in an incredibly positive way.
Conclusion
We can't choose our biological family. For some of us, the luckiest of us, this works out perfectly fine. Our biological families provide all the unconditional love and support we need to survive and thrive. For the rest of us, though, our biological family may not be enough. Or they my be outright toxic. In that case, we have the power to choose our own family. A well-designed and deliberately-constructed Tribe can serve as an excellent Chosen Family. Yes, it's a little unorthodox, but it's your life. YOU get to make the rules.
Interested in exploring this idea more? Join our discussions in our Facebook group, which serves as a literal Think Tank for this project.
Live in the Western Colorado area and interested in forming your own Tribe or joining ours? Shoot me an email at eldiablobjj "at" gmail.com.
~Jason
***
Post Script - If you're really interested in the academic aspects of voluntary kinship, check out this paper by Braithwaite and Wachernagel Bach (2010).
No comments:
Post a Comment